Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Warning....long and winded, heheh....but there is a freebie somewhere in here!

Hi all....long time no talk. I know I mostly talk to myself here, but still...I feel badly for not being here. I have been trying to recover from all the little trips, get ready for my grandson to come, organize all the clothes I am getting rid of (the boys and my size 4-8 I will never get into again, lol) on ebay...still scared to try it out. Plus Chase has been doing swim lessons (he is doing fabulous by the way,heheheh)and getting ready to do soccer. We also are getting ready to replace the siding on our house (we have one side...the side with the master bedroom...that has mushrooms growing out the side. No wonder I am always feeling cruddy). Phewwwww!

Let's see....what else is going on. Well...my youngest step daughter is turnign 16...having a camping trip to the coast for her, her boyfriend :-0 and a couple girls....fun fun fun, hmmmmmm. Hayden has been increasingly challenging. I mean...realllllllllly challenging. Hubby is still driving me nuts. We got Vonage...will let you know how we like it. My oldest stepdaughter finally got another job...the middle is due with my first grandchild any day now.

I have been trying to find motivation to start taking better care of myself...it used to be so easy...now I am just so tired and tired and tired.

I am going out on a limb here...talking about kind of a taboo topic (though it shouldn't be)...debated whether to or not...but will in case there are others out there like me. I owe it to you to talk about it.

So...I have always been a little "moody"...prone to bouts of mild depression. Runs on BOTH sides of the family along with compulsions and addictions...well crap...did I get the good DNA or what? lol. I was always able to keep it working for me untill after my second pregnancy. Both of them were hard...but his especially. Bed rest...horrible birth, sick baby, trips to schriners, collicky, oldest son having a hard time (he was only 2) and marriage was VERYYYYYYYY rocky. Plus I had Post Partum Depression. I know this is taboo subject of late...but it is real. It is scary. It is harddddddddddd. It is more than just the blues. It is "I don't want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, can't cope bad!!! AFter 6months of pure hell...I finally got help. I got on some antidepressants and some counseling and started to come back. If this happens to you...please please please don't be afraid to talk about it. You are not a bad person. You are not a bad mother.

Bad part...I was put on Cymbalta. It deals with the seretonin levels as well as the body aches I was getting. Thought just a couple months and I would be fine. Well folks...here it is...he is now 2.5 yrs old. I have tried to get off of these "NON ADDICTIVE" drugs several times now...but the side effects are crippling. I tapered down...can even skip a day...but if I go two days....severe dizziness, nausea, fatigue and a general sense of being in a big fog and out of it hits me. This is beyond scary for someone caring for two small children. I have researched it online and found story after story of the same thing from tons of ppl...male and female. they basically all say....You will go through 8 weeks of Hell before you can BEGIN to start to feel better...not great...just better. I cannot do that! So...I am awaiting an appt with my doctor...where we will probably put me on a diff drug to taper me down and then try to stop.

My point is...why dont' they tell you this before hand. I NEVER would have taken this drug...there are so many others that work pretty good that don't do this? I am so angry. But I was so desperate at the time that I just trusted my doctor. Please please please research your prescriptions before blindly taking them. I feel so trapped right now. After two years of not being able to really cry or feel any kind of emotion strongly or have a real sex drive (both side effects of this drug)...I am so ready to get off!

I am a little embarrassed to be saying this here...but hopefully I can make you guys think before taking anything. I am all for help...but be careful. Read up on it. Talk about it. If we talked more about depression and PPD...we would be so much better off.

I got tagged my Gina...finally answering it, lol.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

OH mannnnnnn. I don't wanna answer thisssss! Let's see. Yup. Twice. Once...I was young, parked on the wrong side of the street...open container in the back of the truck...oh yeah...being drunk by some more under age kiddos....and trying to get them home....started driving (without my lights) and was still on the wrong side (I WAS TRYING to get on the right side, lol) He was really nice....let me get them home....I wasn't drinking.

2nd time....I was with the wrong ppl at the wrong time. Nough said, lol

2. Do you close your eyes on a roller coaster?
nope....yell and scream

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
When Chase was 1.5 yrs old. We went up to Tahoe.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

This is such a bad questionright now, lol. My hubby snores....my youngest has been having a hard time being away from me....so I would rather sleep with him. That way we ALL get a good night sleep!

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, I really do. My mom says ever since I was 4, she has noticed strange things happening around me....and they continue to this day.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? (silly, I know ... but very "now")
hmmmmmmmm. I used to say Jennifer, since I thought Angelina was strange and a man stealer. But...she is such a humanitarian..and so involved in issues other than her. So I guess I would say Angelina.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
Not as much as I used to (worked in the state legislature...but still know some things)

10. Do you know how to play poker?
A tad

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Yup...lots of times for entirely diff reasons. Partying and Parenthood.

12. What's your favorite commercial?

Hmmmmm...I am not really sure. Don't watch them much....though I like Gina's pick.

13. Who was your first love?

My first REAL love of the opposite sexx (non romantic) was my dad (step dad). My mom and I had such a rough life up until then. He was so good, sweet, caring and involved...with both of us. He made my mom sooooooo happy. I loved himmmmmmmmmmmmmm so much for that. My first romantic love......sigh...long, drawn out, painful and a huge learning experience

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
Not on purpose

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

Yes....I have several....and as much as I love my mom and my husband...they are the closest to me...but no one will ever know them.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yes....16 yrs ago

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
All the time. I was trained to do so in college. I loveeeeeee my dreams.!

19. What's the one thing on your mind?
How much stuffffffffffff I have to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes. Always.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
hmmmmmmm....talent. hmmmmm. I wishhhhhhhh....I could multi-task better.

22. Do you like Sushi?
nope. I tried, I really did

23. What do you wear to bed?
tank and cotton capris

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
Hate?????? nahhhhhh. not worth it. Though there are people who really bug me, heheh.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
I so couldn't. I am so committed to Brandon. And before...nahhhh. Never was into sex without real feelings and knowledge of who they were

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
hmmmmmm.....nope...not that I know of.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Raw Octipus, anything too exotic...like dung beetles etc.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
I must say....I did when younger...not to be malicious, though now I know it would have devistated them

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?

will have to find some ppl to tag....mahaaawahhhhaaahaaa

I have a challenge starting today at Digital Freebies...a 2 parter. Do the two sketches and you get this prize

Go here to check it out.

I also have a new kit out...one of my faves yet! And it is 40% off this week at Digital Freebies

and....a new freebie for you guys. An alpha to match my Creative Expression's kit Please do not share and leave me a comment!! I love to hear from ya!

click here to download


Chrissy said...

(((HUGS))) Tracy. I'm sending you strength hun! I know where you're comming from about side effects. I'm a PPD girl too and I commend you for speaking about it in a "public" place. It's a terrible thing that it is a taboo, but only by women having the strength and compassion to talk about it can anyone learn. I had an extremely severe side-effect to Celexa that I was never warned about and then went through the weaning off stages as well. It's terrible but you're doc should be able to help you to control it. I wish you all the best...email me if you need to talk. :) ((HUGS))

Julie said...

Ok now that I am all teary eyed.... I am sending you all my luv and support Tracy... I dont even know where to start.... so I will just keep this short... and email you a novel.

Hang in there darling...


shawnyrvr said...

Wow Tracy! I appreciate your talking about it so candidly. I've been avoiding taking any meds for most of my life... well since I was about 16'ish... Every other female in my family out of 5 girls has or is taking some form of something for it... guess I got some of the same genes. lol But I was determined to figure out how to control it with diet and just ask for extra understanding from my DH. It is tough some days but I'd rather be a roller coaster at times than no feelings at all... I guess. That's how all my family explains the meds to me. And they've been taking them longer than you did. I can't imagine them trying to get off of them. I know one sister struggled with suicidal thoughts a lot before the meds... So, what do you do?

I hope and pray God can give you the extra human strength to get back to living life without them. Look into the diets that help with this sort of things... do some research on the net... It's amazing the stuff that helped me to even myself out and now I just have to make sure I watch my diet. You can tell just when you get moody... you start to realize... I've been eating crappy fast food or not at all or not enough or too much sodas and chocolate. There's so much more to it than those few foods but it helps. Good Luck with it Sweetie... and I will keep you in my prayers. Blessings!

PS THANKS so much once again for all you ever do for us... with your gifts.

~*~ Coralee ~*~ said...

I love Honest People, Thankyou so Much for Sharing your Story!! Good Luck and Stay Strong even on your weakest days. I hope with all my Heart you make it through to the other side. I too suffer from something but not sure if it's PPS. Just not sure at all and Yes I should go Talk about it but how do you explain something your not even sure has a name? But that's another story Anyway Sweetie, Thankyou so Much for your little Gifts too, They say that giving is the way to get back Happiness and more, I hope your as happy as me for you giving this to us! Take Care and When ever possible have fun! Keep Smilin' xxx
PS I know you can do it in your own time, I have faith in you ! xxx

Lynn said...

Thank you so much for the alpha.

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with your meication. That is AWFUL! I wish you the strength to get to the other side. (((HUGS!!))

Kim said...

Hope you get everything worked out with your meds. Definitely nothing to be embarrassed about. That does not sound fun at all. I have to admit that I really tend to just trust my doctors. I should probably be more careful about that.

Loved your tag answers. Too fun. :) Lovely kits, and thanks for the alpha! :)

Heather said...

Thanks for sharing. I hear ya on the meds. I gained 30 pounds, and from one (in a year)... Uh, I wish I would have done some research online before.

Melinda said...

{{{Hugs}}} hun!
I know where you are coming from- I've gone through PPD twice. The first time was after Bryce was born and I was a total basket case- had no energy, all I wanted to do was sleep, and I was a wreck emotionally. DH didn't know what to do with me and I had no idea of what was making me such a wreck. Everything made me cry and I was so unhappy. Then I went in to the university clinic for my annual exam and the doc starts asking me if I had ever thought of hurting myself or the baby. Whoa! that was a shock. She put me on some lower dose birth control pills and things started to get better. Then, we had the twins. This time it was much more subtle- not the 'in your face' emotional roller coaster I was on before. DH annoyed me no end, no matter what he did, I had absolutely no interest in intimacy, but the biggest thing was I wanted to be anywhere but home. There is no way I was going to leave, but it was still a very strong desire. To say that that hurt our marriage would be an understatement. The twins were almost two before I started to recognize it for what it was other than just being exhausted from taking care of 3 small kids 24/7 with no one to help out. This time I just went cold turkey off of the birth control. Hence child #4 LOL I haven't been back on them since and don't plan to- it is just not worth the stress to my family.

::sigh:: I still have to answer that tag myself. been avoiding it ;)

Thanks for the Creative Expressions alpha- I'm glad I hadn't done anything with that kit yet- it's fab!

Maria said...

Thanks for the Alpha!

Sorry that you are having trouble with your meds. You should go off of it with your doctors supervision, decreasing the dose over the course of several months, and you shouldn't notice the withdrawal effects as much. I had to do that a few years ago when going off of Paxil. If I just stopped I got all woozy. It's called SSRI withdrawal syndrome and is fairly common across the board with the SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, etc)

HUGS sweetie!

Deb said...

Sending big ((Hugs))) to you Tracy. Hope you and your doctor can work out a plan together. I had PPD after each of my three children - didn't get help the first time, finally got help the second time and when I had my third, the doc had my prescription waiting for me while I was in the delivery room. Hang in there - it will get better!

Connie said...

So sorry to hear all that you've been through with Cymbala! Hope you are feeling much better soon! The alpha is SO cute - thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

What a cute alpha! Thank you!

Megan (meganmecrazy) said...

This alpha is SOOOO COOL! Thanks so much for sharing this with us!

I really really know what your talking about about the meds. I always research before taking anything and even then I'm still leary about taking things. I'm sorry to hear that your having these problems and I hope they clear up really soon! HUGS!

Vicki said...

I LOVE this alpha! Thanks so much.

hosanhelwa said...

Thank you for the fantastic alpha!

So sorry to hear about all that's been going on! It must be terrible to go through! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us... only when women are willing to discuss it will it stop being taboo...
Hope you and your doc can figure something to help getting off the meds! Good luck!!!

Gina said...

Huge-mongous hugs for really putting yourself out there, girlfriend. I had post-partum depression horribly with all three of my girls and I'm sure you've prob read in my blog that I was almost suicidal - aw, hell, let's admit it, *I was suicidal* - when I was pg with Annie. I keep saying "almost" - but really deep down, I wanted OUT. Not cool. Love and hugs. I hope the doc can help you out.

And dadgummit, we women NEED to talk about PPD!!!! It happens!!!!!! And it SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Gina said...

And I got up on my soapbox so far that I didn't say - thanks for the alpha AND, ::sniff:: I'm so proud you answered the tag! LOL

Anonymous said...

Tracy. My thought are with you. I have had problems getting off a med the doctor gave me for depression also. I look like I have Parkinson's disease and my body quit making its own seratonin. Nasty stuff those M.D's hand out so readily. Thank you so very much for the great alpha! It's go neat!

RosieB said...

Tracey, I admire you so much for speaking out about your ppd and I hope that you can get some help in coming off the meds.

I suffer with depression (not ppd) and can imagine some of what you are going through. I'm sending all good thoughts to you.

In the midst of all this you still find time and strength to share with us - thank you for the alpha, its great.

Hang in there!

Jo said...

Thank you for the great Alpha & wishing you all the best Tracy.

Anonymous said...

A lovely alpha thanks for sharing

SignoraM said...

Wow Tracy, what strength to not only be going through all that but to also actually talk about it. That's one of the great things about blogs...you can just let it all out without actually having to at look the people you're talking to. For me, anyway...makes it much easier to get this stuff out and off your chest when you don't have to see the possibly condemning looks. Or maybe that's just me and I'm too sensitive LOL Whatever, it's great that you're doing it. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you can find your way through all this!

Oh, and thanks for the alpha ;-) I hadn't even seen the kit (trying to keep myself from spending...yeah, right) so I had to go grab it, too LOL Too cute!!

Dana said...

Just wanted to say thanks for your generosity. I hope all works out for you!

Kathy said...

Such a cute alpha! Thanks so much!!

JulieBee said...

I love the fabulous alpha you shared with us. It's so darn cute! I'm sorry you have been having trouble with your meds. I know it's hard to wean off of them and/or switch to a different medication that might have fewer side-effects. I've been taking Prozac for 12 years or so now and have tried a few times to get off of it (with the doctor's supervision) and have had no luck.
Just make sure you give yourself a break whenever you can get it! Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

This is a great alpha, Tracy! Thank so much.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to thank you for the alpha. Hang in there with the meds, I'm sure it is going to be really hard, but you can get off them. I have taken many different meds for my BiPolar disorder. I quit taking them in 95 because I would act worse when I was on them. It's hard to deal with depression, but I chose to deal with it without taking meds because I didn't like the way they made me feel. Hang in there, eventually it will get better.

CellyOneill said...

Hello from Brazil ! :o)
Thanks for this lovely alphas !
Hugs !

Mish said...

Hi Tracy...I'm sorry I missed this post. I think you are so brave for posting this. You are right...doctors don't tell you much before you get on anti-depressants. I'm on one of the newer drugs right now for depression and even though it's working well, I hope I won't have to be on it forever. I hope you can find a solution that helps you get off that drugs. I know just what you mean about not being able to cry and of course the other issue too...

Hang in there and keep us informed of how you are doing.