Thursday, October 27, 2005

Hi all...just a cold and cloudy day starting is supposed to clear off, but to tell you the truth.....I kind of like it! The only reason I want it to be nice is that we are trying to put a up a new fence with our neighbor, lol.

So....having a hard time letting my boys grow up lately, hehe. I have always prided myself at how good I am at least on the outside. I have always let them do things for themselves...even if it takes forever, they don't do it "quite" right, make a mess etc. I know how important it is to their self-esteem and growth. I have cleaned up many a mess, shrugged off Chase not matching (I have been letting him dress himself), smiled as people look at his hair (he likes to spike it now and it is waaayyyyy too long for that,hehe) and sat their patiently not jumping in to help while they work puzzles, games etc.

Well...I am aching so much on the inside right now. I am getting ready for a garage sale this weekend. Going through clothes and toys that they no longer wear and play with. It is so hard to get rid of the baby toys and clothes. I picture them wearing/playing with them and it instantly takes me back to the moment. I can smell them, feel them pressed against my chest or grasping my pointer fingers as they take those first wobbly steps. arrghhhh. so hard knowing that I am done having children (health reasons dictate that) and that my sweet baby boys are growing up way too quickly. Chase, being so sweet and sensitive, can sense it in me. He tells me (he really says this, I swear) " matter how big I get...I will still be yours baby". He melts my heart into liquid fire and sunshine and butterflies.

Also been having trouble with my mortality. Ever since I saw Oprah's show about heart disease related of every two women will die from some form of it....I can't shake it. My father (biological father) died at 54 of heart disease. I have high bloodpressure, I am overweight, stressed and have severe anemia. If I don't start taking care of is inevitable that this body I have been given by God to use will stop one day. This is it. My body...the only one I have. This is it. My time here on earth to be with my loved ones. To do something, be something....THIS IS IT!

So...the message is....cherish every little moment...wheter it be with your children, your significant other, your family or friends, a sunset, a smell...we never no when this moment will be over and never can be recaptured. Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spirtually. Don't wait till tomorrow to tell someone how they have touched your life. Don't wait till tomorrow to take the kids to the park or out back to look at the stars. Don't wait till tomorrow to start taking care of yourself and loved ones. I sound preachy or what. This is a message to me...not a public service announcement on how you should live. lol

Till next time,


AmyK said...

I didn't expect you were going to make me cry today, Tracy! You should have a "get out the tissue box" disclaimer at the top of your post. ;) Kiddos do grow up too fast.

And it's true that you've got to take care of yourself! Your boys will want and need you around for a long long time. *Hugs*

Mish said...

Tracy you convinced me at tonight's chat to try out blogging. I read this entry with interest, especially the part about the heart disease. I saw the same Oprah show and it really scared me. I know I need to get myself moving and eating better too. We can do this together girl!

mrs.S said...

You have such a big heart, Tracy! I can only wish that I'd be a wonderful mom just like you, when we do have kids. (((hugs)))